New Clothes

I am in desperate need of some new clothes.  I could use a ton of leggings, maybe two pairs of jeans, some sweaters, and, of course, quirky tops that cover the huge mass between my boobs and my, well, you know.

I need clothes for work. I need clothes for school. I need clothes for dates with Bryan.  I need clothes for cocktails with friends.

I have full shopping bags at Old Navy, Torrid, and Forever 21 +…but I can’t bring myself to checkout.

It’s not that I don’t have the money.  I mean, of course money is always an issue but it’s not about that this time.  It’s about the fact that I don’t want to buy plus size clothes anymore.  I don’t want to strategically select tops that will make it hard for strangers to tell whether I’m pregnant or just fat.  I don’t want to keep being disappointed by the fact that none of the dresses I like come in my size.  I don’t want to cry when I discover that the XXL tights I’ve just purchased won’t go over my knees.  But most of all, I don’t want this body anymore.

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Someone once told me you have to dress for the size you are, not the size you want to be.  I always tried to follow this advice, especially as my waistline and my compulsive eating disorder grew.

In the past two months, I’ve lost six pounds.  While I know what an accomplishment this is, I can’t help but be angry at the fact that I don’t feel or see a difference.

I also can’t help the fact that my heart breaks whenever my SOUL squad wants to take a photo – knowing that whoever sees it, knows I’m the one that shouldn’t be in this picture.  I can’t help avoiding the mirror.  I can’t help crying on the scale.  I can’t help hating myself.

And I don’t want to.  I really want not just to like myself again, but to love myself.  And I feel like if I buy new clothes, it’s like agreeing to stay in this body a little longer.  I know that’s not reality and that I’m making changes, but I don’t know how to go outside anymore.

I need new clothes, and all I have is a closet full of bad memories from a person I don’t want to be anymore.

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